Flights of Fancy to Nowhere

Saparmurat Niyazov, a.k.a Turkmenbashy

This week’s Camino a Ítaca brings us to the vast steppes of Central Asia and then back again in search of the more ridiculous flights of fancy imposed upon us all by our Dear Leaders. Click over to read the original version published in Spanish in the regional newspaper, el Hoy or read the English version below. (PDF en castellano abajo)

An Italian friend of mine
was once sitting in her hotel room in Ashgabat. She was in the capital of
Turkmenistan on official UN business and called her mother. While she was being
connected through the hotel’s Soviet-era reception, she noticed some deep heavy
breathing on the other end of the line that was obviously not coming from her
mom. As her mom was filling her in on the latest gossip from Venice, a sharp,
accented voice suddenly broke into the conversation and insisted, “Speak
English, please!”

This was during the reign
of Saparmurat Niyazov, the country’s first dictator after the fall of the USSR.
Turkenbashy, or head of all Turkmen as fancied himself, had had himself
crowned as President for Life and brooked no dissent to his rule. So, it’s not
surprising that he would have officials from the UN spied upon, even if his
spooks were not multi-lingual.

When he wasn’t cracking
down on the opposition, Niyazov also had a penchant for making odd decrees.
Things like banning news reporters and presenters from wearing make-up because
he found it difficult to distinguish between the male and female presenters or
prohibiting lip synching at public concerts were a near constant during his
regime. One day the Turkmens would wake up to find he had abolished the Turkmen
word for bread and named it after his mother and another that he had decreed
that the months would be named after him and his family.

Strange laws however
aren’t reserved for Central Asian strongmen. Deep down in Florida you can get
in a prickly situation if caught fornicating with porcupines, or any other
animal for that matter. If you’re caught driving without a shirt in Thailand or,
heaven forbid, criticize the monarchy, expect trouble. And it’s not only the
Thais that revere their Dear Leaders so. The same behavior will get you into
hot water in Morocco and as recently as 2012 in neighboring France it was
illegal to be rude to the President or to name a pig after the head of state
for that matter.

Here in Spain we’re not
immune to ludicrous laws and regulations either. Naming your pig after the king
probably won’t land you in jail but you might wind up in court for insinuating
that the monarchy, and in particular the ex-monarch, has secrets in Switzerland.

A deeper problem however
isn’t these atavistic attempts to defend the head of state’s honor or to
protect the feelings of those who believe in supernatural powers. The real
dilemma is simply the sheer number of laws and regulations on the books here in
Spain. Many of which are obvious anachronisms that get lost in this legislative
swamp. Mislaid or perhaps, like acts of good intentions rather than laws that
are meant to be enforced, they end up forsaken like decaying moribund graymonoliths in the middle of roundabouts.

I propose a challenge to
our legislators, one that has its roots in the country of my birth, Canada,
where they recently passed the one-for-one law. A law which states that for
every new federal regulation created, the government must eliminate an equal
regulatory burden.

This challenge would not
only reduce the number of out-of-date laws, but force legislators to seriously
reflect before enacting a new fancy. If not, soon we too may find ourselves
with another word for bread.